Tuesday, January 29, 2013


Do you ever feel crazy.  Like certifiably crazy?  I have felt this way for sometime now and these last few days have been by far the worst.  I don't know if it is normal, if it is nuts, if I am nuts, or what.  I lost my brother a year ago today.....  I remember that morning so well, I remember I was sitting there listening to a CD of my friends band who had just passed away, being emotional.  I remember falling to the floor crying.  I remember kicking my full garbage can across the kitchen....  and then picking up all the garbage.  I remember my husband leaving my son at Basketball when my dad called him and rushing home to try to comfort me, I remember just wanting to wake up.

I am still waiting to wake up.

Within 2 weeks before my brother 2 friends passed away, and before that my 3 year old nephew, and before that my what I considered to be friend and brother-in-law.  He was my first extremely hard death, I went off the deep end, his was by choice, and I felt there was something I could have done.  My nephew was too young.  My brother - well he was my brother, he was sweet, funny, and I have a million priceless memories with him.  He was my closest sibling when we were young.  I moved to my mom's at 16 and we didn't have as much contact.  I hate myself for that.  We had more contact the last 3 or 4 years but not all the time.  I remember talking to him on Facebook a few days before he passed away.  I remember wishing I wish I would have copied and pasted that conversation so I could have it forever.  I remember having to do a manual reset on my cell phone and losing all of my text messages with him, and being a basket case.

Really am I nuts?  Text messages?  I have memories - who needs a few meaningless text messages, but I feel like I needed to have that small piece of him.  Every siren I hear I wonder if it is someone I know.  I wonder if it is will I still have a melt down or is death becoming so normal that I am going to start to feel immune to the hurt and pain of it?    THAT is my worst fear.   I feel like I have a part of me that is not me anymore, but I try to change it and I can't.  I hate that part of me - it is an empty part, a part that hates the pain and hurt you can feel in this life.  The part that can't handle it, the part that can no longer go to a cemetery, no longer have fun without thinking of all the risks, no longer go days straight without staying up and crying.  I can't sleep, I can't breathe sometimes - I just feel so smothered by confusion, by hurt, by loss.

The hard thing about death is you don't just lose that person, there is a void in every person they were close to and you lose a part of all those people too.  I hate to see my mother in so much pain, my nephew who has lost his dad and brother, my sister and her husband.  You hate to see them in so much pain and feel SO SELFISH if you are in any pain around them, because you know they are in so much more pain than you.

You look for any sign that the person you lost is there.  I had them all the time when I lost my friend/brother-in-law.  All sorts of things that made me know he was there.

I haven't had them since, or I have but they are so subtle that I don't know if they are a sign or just a sign that I am crazy.  I went to walmart and saw letters on clearance yesterday.  Big wooden letters on the shelf - there were four of them and they spelled out my brothers name missing the middle letter.  I wondered is this a sign he is here?  Am I that nuts that I would think a clearance item at walmart would be a sign?  Well, but maybe it is...  I was just thinking about him as I walked in?  Seriously they are a clearance item at Walmart - I am nuts for sure.

Well now you all know - you read the blog of a crazy lady.  I had to vent, it's not like I can to family because it just stirs feelings for them too, my husband already knows I am nuts and probably doesn't want more proof of how emotional I am!  Truly, do friends want to hear you sob and sob with your sad stories?  I had to vent somewhere.  So unfortunately you all get my venting.  Sorry.


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